Pimpin ain’t easy…but some Africans have to do it July 8, 2008

Before moving to DC, my personal life hit a dead end.  Whining to my best guy friend that I was sick of lyinasscheatin brothas, he hit me with a piece of advice resembling a bag of bricks.   He told me to get over it.  There are billions of people in this world, and we’re all sleeping with each other.   I know, it sounds a bit crude, and at first I disagreed.  Clearly, everybody doesn’t cheat; what about elderly people? Is Shady Pines filled with swingers?  However, the accuracy of the figure is unimportant–his point was larger than a mere generalization.  Humans yearn for the affection of the opposite sex, or same sex depending on what floats your boat, and cheating is the byproduct of a natural feeling.

 

Everybody plays the fool sometime, and there are no exceptions to this rule.  Ironically, we often forget our past or present foolish behaviors when evaluating another person’s relationship.  It’s easy to harshly criticize the infidelity of your neighbor/sister/auntie/girlfriend’s significant other when you’ve suppressed the memory of the difficulties you once endured at the hands of your lyinasscheatin man.  They say pain has no memory, and I assume denial is a defense mechanism, but wouldn’t it be easier if we stopped going on Maury and just faced the truth?  It’s billions of people in this world, and we’re all sleeping with each other.   

 

My NGO director is from St. Lucia, and our positions about women’s rights and feminism are very similar.  She complains about the traditionalism present in Nigerian culture and how women are often disrespected by their husbands.  Men don’t go to great lengths to hide their extramarital affairs, and women turn the blind eye, forbidden to make his infidelity an issue.  In a post-polygamous society all parties accept the fact that men cheat.  Unlike the director, I’m beginning to understand and respect Nigerian women’s acceptance.  Before the Feminist Fairy comes to remove my womanist badge let me explain.  

 

We often ask God to allow us to change the things we can, accept the things we can’t, and to grant us the wisdom to tell the difference.  Since the beginning of time, women have attempted to change men from their cheating ways to no avail.  Unlike many western women, Nigerian women are wise enough to understand and accept this fact.  I’m not advocating infidelity, in the era of rampant STDs this would be careless and illogical.  But realistically speaking, the rate of STDs is high because of infidelity, and few people can boast of untainted love, especially when many indiscretions are undisclosed.   Black American women have been cussing, fussing, and fighting, over Black American men’s outside relationships for far too long.  Maybe we should be honest with ourselves about the naturalness of yearning for the affection of another, and the fact that a “relationship” is simply a noun–it does not operate like a power source capable of removing the electricity from this urge. Women and men have the ability to control their lower halves, but in a society where playboys are glorified and P.Diddy is almost 40 and still cheating on Kim Porter, men don’t adapt very easily to commitment.  If we are honest with ourselves and accept reality, then all the private investigating, tire-slashing, and confrontations are wastes of energy that can be spent on more positive endeavors.

 

One day, a potential suitor asked me if I knew how many men cheated on the women in their lives.  I pondered his question, wondering if my estimate should be high or low.  I settled slightly above average, deciding only 6 out of 10 men were monogamists.  He said I was wrong, 9 out of 10 men cheat on their women, and he was the last faithful brother around.